It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve journaled in this space. I found myself with a few free minutes this evening, thanks to Christian on bedtime duty tonight (thanks, babe!). I thought about doing one of those “If we were having coffee” kind of posts (I love reading those) but the truth? I’m drinking wine right now so it just felt like a lie. 😉
Life these days feels like it’s moving awesomely and scarily fast. And some days, it feels like it isn’t moving at all. It finally feels like we’re settling into our home (home tour/pics to come soon), we’ve met some of our neighbors, have dinner with my parents often, have a “lawn guy” (hello, suburban life), and we watch Octonauts with Crew (like 5 minutes of it) every night before bed. Judge away, you judgey mothers. I’ve tried books with this babe (and will continue to) but he’d rather eat them than look at them or listen to the story and right now he’s very much into the intro and ending songs of the adorable cartoon. (It’s on Netflix). Crew is all things music at this stage in his life, which is pretty great to watch – no matter how he gets it.
Life is so wonderful right now.
Some days it feels incredibly monotonous and I’ve learned to never pat myself on the back when around 1p I’m feeling like a super hero from an outstanding “mom morning”… because the second I do that? All hell will break loose 😉 (But really. Those super hero moments are just for me and they are just simply amazing and I do a little skip and jig and then brace myself for a skipped afternoon nap or early evening meltdown.)
Life is so sweet right now.
You know what’s crazy? I was such an emotional person before I became a mom. And don’t get me wrong… I still cry over silly things here and there, but I cry far less than I thought I would… if that makes sense. (All of you other emotional gals out there will totally get that.) It hit me the other day while driving in the car, Crew babbling to himself in the backseat, that I’ve been guarding myself from “going there” – at all costs. It’s a hard, and honestly- incredibly private, thing to even try to describe or explain but the only way I know how to say it is that the way and depths in which I love my son is SO great and SO deep and SO profound, if I think about it too long I will most certainly become a puddle and most likely never recover from it. So I toe the line ever so closely – between keeping myself together and losing it all completely – and give so much thanks every single second.
Life feels so fragile right now.
Any time anything comes on the news that has to do with a child’s death, I literally feel ill – like I might vomit or pass out – and I immediately change the channel. Gone are the days when I could watch a movie about a child abduction or something – even just typing that makes me tear up. It’s so terrifying to be a mother. I’m a worrier as it is (something I work on daily – giving it to Him) and now that I have my greatest gift in the form of a little boy? There are some days I have to give it to Jesus minute by minute.
Life is so beautiful right now.
I was at one of my best friend’s baby showers the other day. It is her first baby and she is not only one of my dearest friends but one of the best people I’ve ever known in my life. She’s one of those friends I know I could tell anything to and never be judged. I know she loves me and gosh do I love her right back. I sat at her shower with her sweet friends filling the room with chatter and I watched as she opened gifts of sweet girly dresses and I couldn’t help but tear up as she ooo’d and ahhh’d over the tiny stitched pink flowers and lace accents. My heart was so happy to witness such a good person so happy. And then, I looked around the room and watched as so. many. babies. went crawling and babbling and drooling about and it was all I could do to not bawl. A little over a year ago this scene would have ached my heart; I yearned for my baby so badly. And now, here I sat, watching these babies and my dear friend about to have her own baby and I myself was a mother – and not just a mother but a mama to my baby. My boy. My Crew. What a blessed moment – surely a snapshot of the soul moment – one I’ll never forget.
Life is so silly right now.
It’s pretty hilarious to watch Crew’s personality develop, not even 11 months old. Walking and extremely mobile, he often tries to run with a wild look in his eyes (good Lord, help a mama!), and I run after him, quickly scanning the room for anything we forgot to babyproof. He’s been a spitfire since the day he was born and I fall in love with him more each day – as if that were possible. He gives open-mouthed kisses and hugs, the most hilarious smile face when he knows he’s being silly, and a genuine look of concern when he hears one of us let out a sigh at the end of a long day. He is so observant – which is so wonderful, as well as a reminder to smile during those sighs 😉
Guys? I’m so tired and so. freaking. grateful.
Thank you, Jesus.