Yesterday was a rough day for me, all. Like, really rough. The kind of rough where you just want to curl up in bed, talk to no one, and cry. After waiting all weekend for some news (or rather an answer), I’d finally gotten it Monday morning- but it wasn’t the one I’d been hoping for (or even expecting). The answer, sent by email, was, “No.”
There I sat, tears welling up, completely overcome with disappointment. You know that moment – when your whole body just feels horrible? I was there. Christian was sitting next to me and as I shared the news with him, I put on a (fake) brave face and calmly said – “It’s seriously okay. I mean obviously this is just not what God wants for me right now.” And as soon as those words left my lips, I did a complete 180 and that’s when the self-doubt and doubt in God’s faithfulness and His plans for me crept in. (& then I cried.)
Christian tried to console me, telling me “Em, what if God is saying No to this because He has something better for you just a little further down the road?” And then I cried harder because, what a thing to hear- the exact words that had come out of my mouth to Christian only months before… and here he was saying it to me now, trying to get me to remember this truth. So why couldn’t I feel comfort from this now? Well, because it’s scary when the brights get turned off and you can’t see farther down the road of your own life’s path.
Isn’t it crazy how one little bump in the road can create all of this self doubt in other places of your life? I’d been fine until this little blip, never doubting for a minute that God was leading me on this path of new and yes, even a path of unknown. But before I knew it, here I sat doubting so much- doubting everything. I began doubting choices I’d made in the last couple months. I began doubting my ability to even make smart decisions. I began doubting this blog and if me writing in it even held any importance at all (oh yeah, I went there yesterday.) I began doubting my gifts and dreams and path that, up until now, I’d felt for certain God had blessed. And, for just a moment, I began to doubt God’s faithfulness. (Not a proud moment, let me just tell you.)
As silly as this may sound, I thought about Noah & the ark a lot on Monday. I mean surely Noah could not understand why God kept telling him to build this boat when 1. they’d never experienced flooding of this degree and 2. people were going to think he was straight up CRAY. It made no sense in his human mind at the time, and yet- when he looked back on that time of doubt after the flood, surely he would have said, “Well, yeah. It had to have been done!” So much easier after the fact, right? In the present moment of it all it’s so scary and I feel terrified and reeeeally skeptical simply because it doesn’t make sense to me and especially now that I’ve hit a few bumps. Not to mention that maybe I’m making some huge mistake in my life. How badly I wish I could just turn the brights back on- to see the rest of the path. And yet- I hear Him saying, “Trust me.”
That’s the thing about God’s faithfulness, the thing I am always having to remind myself of. His faithfulness is constant. Always present and always true. It’s always good and it’s always because of His love. And just because my faith in Him may waiver, His love for me does not. And while I may not have all of the answers and I may still be dealing with some doubt even today, I do know this: His love is enough.