faith heartbreak

Disappointment (& trusting Him)

July 1, 2014
Yesterday was a rough day for me, all. Like, really rough. The kind of rough where you just want to curl up in bed, talk to no one, and cry. After waiting all weekend for some news (or rather an answer), I’d finally gotten it Monday morning- but it wasn’t the one I’d been hoping for (or even expecting). The answer, sent by email, was, “No.” 
There I sat, tears welling up, completely overcome with disappointment. You know that moment – when your whole body just feels horrible? I was there. Christian was sitting next to me and as I shared the news with him, I put on a (fake) brave face and calmly said – “It’s seriously okay. I mean obviously this is just not what God wants for me right now.” And as soon as those words left my lips, I did a complete 180 and that’s when the self-doubt and doubt in God’s faithfulness and His plans for me crept in. (& then I cried.) 
Christian tried to console me, telling me “Em, what if God is saying No to this because He has something better for you just a little further down the road?” And then I cried harder because, what a thing to hear- the exact words that had come out of my mouth to Christian only months before… and here he was saying it to me now, trying to get me to remember this truth. So why couldn’t I feel comfort from this now? Well, because it’s scary when the brights get turned off and you can’t see farther down the road of your own life’s path.  

Isn’t it crazy how one little bump in the road can create all of this self doubt in other places of your life? I’d been fine until this little blip, never doubting for a minute that God was leading me on this path of new and yes, even a path of unknown. But before I knew it, here I sat doubting so much- doubting everything. I began doubting choices I’d made in the last couple months. I began doubting my ability to even make smart decisions. I began doubting this blog and if me writing in it even held any importance at all (oh yeah, I went there yesterday.) I began doubting my gifts and dreams and path that, up until now, I’d felt for certain God had blessed. And, for just a moment, I began to doubt God’s faithfulness. (Not a proud moment, let me just tell you.) 
As silly as this may sound, I thought about Noah & the ark a lot on Monday. I mean surely Noah could not understand why God kept telling him to build this boat when 1. they’d never experienced flooding of this degree and 2. people were going to think he was straight up CRAY. It made no sense in his human mind at the time, and yet- when he looked back on that time of doubt after the flood, surely he would have said, “Well, yeah. It had to have been done!” So much easier after the fact, right? In the present moment of it all it’s so scary and I feel terrified and reeeeally skeptical simply because it doesn’t make sense to me and especially now that I’ve hit a few bumps. Not to mention that maybe I’m making some huge mistake in my life. How badly I wish I could just turn the brights back on- to see the rest of the path. And yet- I hear Him saying, “Trust me.” 
That’s the thing about God’s faithfulness, the thing I am always having to remind myself of. His faithfulness is constant. Always present and always true. It’s always good and it’s always because of His love. And just because my faith in Him may waiver, His love for me does not. And while I may not have all of the answers and I may still be dealing with some doubt even today, I do know this: His love is enough. 

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  • This is beautiful…..I guest post today on Ashley's blog about things I won't blog about. One of them is religion. I have faith and my own beliefs but part of the reason is also because I don't think I will ever be able to put into words how I feel about that faith. You do it beautifully and I love reading about your experiences and your faith. The fear of the unknown is so powerful and the trust you have to place in God is amazing. Letting go of self-doubt and giving into a higher power takes so much strength and faith. I'm sorry for the bad news but I do believe, like Christian and yourself months ago, that bigger things lie ahead for you.

  • Emily, you are not alone. I'm so sorry that you had disappointing news – and that it caused such a doubting spiral – but you are human. God understands us, even when we don't understand Him or what He is telling us. He has plans for you – you just don't get to see them yet. Trust and faith are some of the hardest things we have to do in life, but you are right – His love, His grace, His faithfulness – it never ceases, even when we stumble and fall on our path. Hang in there. You will know what His plans are when it's the right time. And know that your blog has brought so much to me – you remind me daily of God's love and to be thankful to Him. I'm grateful to you for that! Hugs from across the pond. xx

  • Oh Hun, I hope you are feeling better today. Bad news, a bump in the road…it's all very hard to take in and be ok with. It's upsetting. But, there is a plan for you! A good one. You're a beautiful soul.

  • It is so disappointing to get an answer that wasn't what you wanted. But you are so right that his plan is perfect, and I know there's something even better down the road! Keep looking up 🙂

  • Such an honest post. It is so hard to sit there and trust God when He gives us the exact opposite of what we are hoping for. Been there, too many times to admit. Then there I am, when His plans reveal themselves, kicking myself for how dumb I was. Every.single.time. You're not alone. You have such a bright spirit, never give up on yourself. I'll be praying for you, I know you may be down, just know myself and many other blogging friends are here for you. (And we need you and your blog!)

  • Beautifully written. Most things don't make sense in that moment, but like you said – they will down the road. So sorry you didn't get the answer you were looking for, but someday it will make sense. Hugs!

  • We have allll had our doubts. It's not us thinking those thoughts, it's for sure satan trying to push you further and further away from where God wants you and needs you to be. Sometimes he wins, but thankfully you have seen that there is a reason for all of this. There's always a reason for the tears and the hurt and then you move forward. Good luck to you <3 Please don't stop blogging either lol It's really nice to read a truthful and encouraging post every once in a while 🙂

  • "So much easier after the fact, right?" <— You said it, girl. I don't know how many times I've looked back and said, "Ohhh, now I get it." But at the time, it's hard to see past the moment you're in. I'm so sorry to hear that you didn't get the answer you had been hoping for. I am praying that God will open an even better door for you! 🙂

  • praying for you, friend. disappointment stinks for sure, but then again, Jesus never promised us that things would be easy. you have an amazing heart and an amazing influence through this space! listen to X….God's got something bigger and better and more than you can imagine around the corner for you…trust is hard, and God doesn't expect us to never have doubts…when i feel those thoughts creeping in, I just remember 2 Corinth 10:5 "take every thought captive and make it obedient to christ"

  • This post could not have popped up in my feed at a better time. I've also been waiting for some news and yesterday I finally got the email and unfortunately it was not what I hoped for. I was devastated mainly because, you're right, it does lead to doubt especially when it has to do with something you've been trying to succeed at for a while now. It's tough to hear it's not part of His plan but we need to remember to trust in Him and be a little more patient. Sending you some prayer. 🙂 And thank you again for this post.

  • SO well said!! Isn't it crazy how faithful we can be when times are good then when disappointment comes how easy it is to lose that faith. Thanks for sharing!

  • I absolutely love this and needed to hear this myself. Yesterday was also a very frustrating, trying day for me. I did the same thing last night: I began to question God. Hunter reminded me that all would be okay, and that all these material things are just earthly things. Just keep praying and we have to know that when one door closes, God's opening a window up further down the way.

  • I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time right now! Those days + feelings are terrible, and they really can just make you feel like turning the world off for a day. I feel like doubt is kind of like rain. Once a slight trickle happens, a downpour can come. I hope your heart finds some comfort soon, and you're so right — once you're "there" (wherever you're supposed to be), you'll look back + say 'Oh, NOW I get it!', but it's hard to hold strongly to that when the "there" is unknown. That scripture from Matthew is one that I have written down in my prayer journal, because it's a constant reminder to not lose faith in God (or myself), no matter how hard it is. Not that it always works… some nights are just tears + ice cream, all the way 🙂

    PS – If it makes you feel any better, I probably have a meltdown saying 'I should just quit my blog, no one likes me' at least once a month, haha.

  • It is really easy for me to start rattling off the list of everything that is horrible and going wrong….and while I know that God's faithfulness is there for others, I doubt that I'm worth it. Blah. Life is hard! We're all in this together…thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.

  • Honey, I'm so sorry about the news. I totally get how one disappointment can send everything else spiraling out of control in one's mind. The right thing will definitely come along, and you'll be able to look back and see how it's better than the things that didn't work out. I know doubting your blog was just part of the mess that came with everything else, but for what it's worth, your blog is one of my absolute favorites, and I feel kinda bad for missing out on it until last month. To the point that one night I attempted to go back through the whole thing and get caught up. 🙂 The amazingness of your blog is something that blows me away and something I rather aspire to with mine.

    I also have to say, I couldn't believe it when you brought up Noah's ark and how they had to trust even when the whole thing made no sense, because I just started a future post on a similar thought, involving the flood, before reading this post. Weird! Praying for you, honey. I know you know things will get better. 🙂 <3

  • You for sure aren't alone here with this one. As you know, I am struggling with having faith – but I guess that's part of it. Even though you struggle, you still have that faith.

    I am not sure what exactly you are referring to above – but it sounds like whatever the situation it's an emotional one. All you can really do is keep moving forward and not look back – as hard as that may be.

    If you need anything at all – just email me!

  • Amen, sister. These words are beautiful and true. God has blessed you with many wonderful gifts and your faith in Him is about to get even bigger. Trust in that. You are right where you're supposed to be. 🙂 🙂 🙂 hugs