We are home.
As I write this, it’s 10:54pm on Thursday night and I am so exhausted but also so blissfully happy – I am sitting here in our bed (oh, how I have missed our bed!) as sweet baby Crew sleeps in his crib next to us, and Christian sits next to me, and we’re just sitting here… staring at him… in awe and disbelief that he’s here. That we’re having this moment, a moment we’ve dreamed about for so many years. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, and so I do both. (Christian is used to this by now.) I’ve held a gentle grip on my emotions the past 2 weeks. I know God gave me the strength and courage to do so, especially in the week that Crew was born, so that I wouldn’t miss a single detail of His beautiful ways. I think I surprised Christian – perhaps caught him off-guard a bit – when he’d look at me during certain moments, expecting me to be sobbing, and I wouldn’t be. I felt very present and while I knew that all of my emotions and tears and an overwhelming sense of gratitude was only a reach away, I didn’t go there.
I had a few conversations with God about this, during our time in Crew’s home state last week. And I felt Him reassure me that He would meet me as those moments of emotion found me, as I allowed them to greet me, and that it would happen in perfect time. There was one moment last week when I said ‘okay’ and had one of the most surreal and beautiful moments with God and my son, as I allowed the tears to fall. I will share that moment in this space when the time is right but for now, I’ll sit here in the quiet… as I listen to Crew breathe and make his cute sleeping sighs. I’ll sit here holding my husband’s hand… and marvel over the journey we just experienced together. And tomorrow, as I take Crew out on my favorite walking path – the one I walked alone so many times as I prayed and spent time with God, sometimes just letting the tears fall as I shared with Him all the ways my heart hurt and longed for my baby… or the times I listened to the birds in the trees and held my hand in the air so that I might praise Him for all of His ways – tomorrow I will look down at my sweet son’s face and let the emotions come. I will let them come and I will continue to give praise… to the Son who died so that I might experience moments such as these.