Have you ever felt like some days you’re just becoming blah? I think I’ve always been one of those creative types who wants to feel like I’m being creative every single day, in some capacity at least. There’s some sick part of me who loves change and a little bit of chaos (and please note I did not say “drama” – that’s very different and something I’m not a fan of.) A few days ago, X and I were on a walk through our neighborhood and I said to him, “I feel like maybe I’m not very funny anymore.” He looked at me with the most serious look and said, “What?! You are totally funny. Why would you say that?” So I said, “Well, because I was reading old entries from my private blog and I was seriously so funny back then. Like, lots of random stuff was going on every day and that blog was a huge mix of everything. It was fun.” So he asked me which posts I’d been reading and I told him, “The ones from when we were in California.”
He reminded me that I most likely had a lot of random things to talk about because a lot of random things were happening in that time. We had just moved to a place I’d never even been to before, I didn’t know a single person there, I didn’t have a job (first time ever in my life), interviewing for said no-job was one of the worst and most hilarious times of my life, and we were sharing a car that was 97% of the time in Malibu with X while he was working. You can only take your dog on so many walks, guys, until it’s just like Yeah even the dog wants me to get a life.
“So I guess this means my life is kinda boring now? Because random and crazy things aren’t happening every minute of every day?” And X reminded me again that just the other day I’d told him this was the happiest and most relaxed I’d felt in years. Which is true!! And for that I’m SO grateful. But sometimes it does seem like I have more writing material when life is terrifying and chaotic, and I’m rather kind of boring when all is well. Do you guys ever feel that way? While I really am feelin’ this new “oh so this is what it is to be 30 now” and non-terrifying life, I must say part of me does miss the craziness for the mere fact of writing about it. (Is this why people become fiction writers?!)
I have noticed though that since starting this public writing life in the last few months, I’ve been sharing less and less about the day to day, which most often times holds the funniest and most relatable stories – and that’s really more of my blogging style anyway. I think part of the frustration comes from the fact that when you meet me in person, you pretty much see who I am right away. I am transparent, wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I am bubbly and will probably touch your arm as I talk to you (which I get is totally creepy to some people, I can’t help it.) So it’s like- how do I take who I am in person and explain that through this platform in a post or two?! It’s weird right?!
I would assume that maybe this temporary pause has also in part been some sort of unconscious effort to remain my wannabe-type-B-but-I’m-really-type-A structured self, and to protect myself from any possible judgement if I do just post some totally random “this is what happened today” kind of post. (Because I know you guys are going to judge me if I write about the time I went to Menards and told one of the helper guys I needed “lavender or charcoal gray screw hook thingys” to which I got a blank stare and then walked out with heart sunglasses as NSYNC sang over the loudspeaker.)
And yes, I’m really only (half) kidding about you guys judging me. (Turns out Menards doesn’t have any lavender screw hook thingys…. in case you were wondering.)
So- all of this to say that I’m gonna switch things up around here. Throwing caution (and structure) to the wind. I think I’m still feelin’ out this whole public blog thing and figuring out what works for me and this space, so for now- I’m just going to “do me” as they say. (Did you believe me when I said that just now? Because I tried to tell X the other day, “Babe, just do you” and he asked me where I’d heard that from, if I’d gotten that phrase from Cops.)
Do you guys ever feel like some days you’re not quite sure what your blog is? Or do you ever feel like you can’t just quite explain yourself without someone being able to see your 2309862 hand gestures that go along with what you’re saying?!
(Oh and for the record, I know I said that blogging was weird but it’s also totally awesome.)