Crew faith heartbreak The Road to Love

My Road to Mother’s Day

May 12, 2017

Happy Friday! I want to wish all of the mothers out there a very happy day on Sunday! This will be my first Mother’s Day… insert a million emotions here. Mother’s Day for so many years always brought a deep pain to my heart. It was so hard sitting through Mother’s Day church service, year after year, attempting to have a grateful heart for all of the mothers in the congregation but really just wanting to curl in my bed and have a hard cry (which is typically what I’d do once we got home). One year, both Christian and I really thought I was pregnant. I was late, having “all the symptoms,” and planning on taking a test when we got home from church later that day. I felt so hopeful sitting in the congregation, by myself since Christian was on stage playing with the worship band, and I couldn’t help but smile as the pastor came out wishing a happy day to all of the moms. About thirty minutes into the message, I felt the all too familiar pain… and I knew I’d just started my period. A huge lump in my throat formed and tears immediately stung my eyes, but somehow I held myself together until the end of the service. A friend of mine came over to me and excitedly said, “Christian confidentially told me you guys think you might be pregnant!!” (poor Christian was so excited and couldn’t keep the verrrrry premature news to himself, bless him). You can imagine what happened next: I bawled my eyes out. Right there, in the second row, as all of the lights in the auditorium were coming on and the entire congregation was getting up from their seats. I explained to her what was going on and she immediately grabbed my hands and started praying for me. To this day it makes me tear up because there’s no doubt in my mind God sent her directly to me at the exact moment my aching heart needed prayer. I caught a glimpse of Christian’s face as he was still on stage and getting his gear together and I knew he knew right away.

That was over 4 years ago.

This past August as Christian and I sat in the hospital with one of our adoption case workers, going over all of the legal stuff and signing papers, we anxiously waited for Crew’s birth mother, who was on another floor, to sign her own papers that would ultimately sign her parental rights away, and transfer them to us. Our case worker kept the mood positive and energy upbeat, but I know our hearts were beating a million beats per minute. Just as we began to sign yet another form, our case worker looked at her phone and gasped and said, “STOP. Oh my gosh. STOP everything.” We stared at her and thank GOD she had a smile on her face, otherwise I probably would’ve had a heart attack. “She signed the papers. She just signed. YOU GUYS ARE PARENTS. YOU’RE PARENTS!!!” She was literally exclaiming this in the hospital waiting room. Christian grabbed me and kissed me and we hugged for the longest time as tears just ran down our cheeks. A few minutes later, Christian looked at our case worker and said, “You know what I’m happy about?” And I jokingly responded, “Um, that we have a son?!” And he said, “Well yeah! But I’m happy that Emily never has to spend another Mother’s Day with a broken heart.” Aaaaaand we all bawled. Christian, I will always remember that moment. I love you.

Heading to the hotel from the hospital with our son (who was 72 hours old)!

There were a lot of tears on our road to become parents… on our road to love. So many heartbreaks and sleepless, stressful nights. So many days I wondered if I would ever get to celebrate my own Mother’s Day. Right before we got the call about Crew and his birth mom, I had a talk with Jesus and tearfully told Him that I was giving up on that dream. I told Him it was too painful and that it felt easier to let go of the hope than it did to gasp a hold with all my might. Do you know how He responded? Mere hours later He led me to a bracelet I’d forgotten I had, buried deep in my jewelry box, that read, “I AM ENOUGH.” And I knew in that moment He had reminded me of the only truth I needed in my life – He is enough. He is all I need. He is all I have ever needed and all I will ever need. That doesn’t mean it will always be easy, or that it will never hurt, but it is the truth. Jesus is enough.

I wore that bracelet every single day until Crew became ours legally. It was a reminder that even if this fell through… even if his birth mom changed her mind and decided to parent him, Jesus would still be enough for me. It was something I had to pray hard about every single day.

He knew how our road to love would turn out. I didn’t, but He did. And when it hurt too much to cling to hope He said, ‘then hold onto Me.’ What a fiercely loving God is our God; to invite us to rely on Him, to cling to Him. And what a realization that was in my life that Jesus himself is Hope.

This Mother’s Day I am celebrating so many things: I am celebrating my most favorite title of Mama (even if Crew won’t say it yet, ha!). I am celebrating my own mom with a new understanding now of what that even means. I am celebrating the boy, the light of my life, who I thank God for every day. I am celebrating my husband, for doing this parenting thing with me and with such hilarity. And I am giving so, so much thanks for Crew’s birth mama. For loving him. For choosing life for him. And for gifting me the greatest blessing of my life.

Most of all though, I celebrate the fact that no matter what we go through in this life, Jesus has always been, is, and will always be enough.

And to you… the one reading this with a pain in your heart, a pain no one else seems to understand. To the one who wants nothing more than to be a mother. To the one who is ready to just let go of hope…

cling to Him. He is enough for you in this moment, and an hour from now, and tonight when you lay in bed, and tomorrow when you wake up, and the next day and the day after that. You are in my prayers, friend.

 

Wishing you all a beautiful day with Him,

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  • Oh, Em. I hope you have the best first mothers day!!! This post (as so many others) has brought me to tears.
    I love that all along, through the pain of your journey, God knew Crew was waiting for you at the end of that path.
    I knew at 5 years old that I wanted to adopt. I learned at 18 I could not have children. I know if it is on Gods radar for my life, I will.
    I am grateful for the birth mothers who choose life as well. Many of my friends have adopted over the years.
    God bless you and your family.

    • Britt! Thank you for this. As always, I am here if you’d ever like to talk about adoption! Love that God has put it on your heart, and at such an early age 🙂

  • Ahem, here I am .. bawling my eyes out in my office at 9am reading your post. Oh Emily, I’m so beyond happy for you, Christian and your SON. Your beautiful son.

    • aw! haha!! Thank you for your sweet note! XO!

  • Just beautiful my friend. Fortunately, I have held back the tears (as I have a client to see). Oh how I know that pain which you have shared her. So grateful for your journey and that you are getting to celebrate your first Mother’s Day. Wishing you much love and a beautiful weekend. XOXO

  • I love this so much. I love reading this from the perspective of an adoptee and I feel your deep pain recounted in the stories of Mother’s Day. xoxo

  • All the tears, Emily. Seriously. This is so, so beautiful. I wanted to hug you a million times while reading that! I hope you have the happiest Mother’s Day in the world- and then a hundred more after that! Have a wonderful weekend!!

  • Have the happiest Mother’s Day, Emily! I hope you get a flower from the little kids at church, hold your son, and feel all of the love. I am so happy for your family. I can’t imagine anything better.

    • aw!! I did not get a flower this year but he did spend his first ever Sunday in his little class and did so well, so I was a proud mama!

  • Enjoy your day! Such a beautiful story and a testimony to a loving God who never leaves us nor forsakes us. Happy Mother’s Day Emily!

  • happy happy first mother’s day to you!! what a special day for you, and what a beautiful (because there is still beauty in sorrow) journey you have had to this day. thinking of you and everyone carrying similar stories this weekend!

    • It was definitely a beautiful journey 🙂 Still is!

  • happy mother’s day, mama <3

  • This is such a beautiful post, Emily. Happy happy Mother’s Day! <3

  • Such a sweet post!! Happy Mother’s Day!!

  • Oh Em, so beautiful to read this! (& what a lovely moment with X when the papers were signed, teared up myself right there) <3 <3 Every time I see a pic of Crew I just feel totally overjoyed for you guys again.

  • This is so beautiful, friend! Thanks for sharing this part of your story with us. xo