This blog tends to be a bit of a mixed bag. Perhaps that’s why I have such a hard time answering the ever-common question, “Well what kind of blog is it?” Often times I’ll answer with “Lifestyle” but it always makes me feel pretty uncomfortable considering in no way shape or form am I deeming myself qualified enough to say to others, “Hey, this is how you do life, ok?” I mean really, I wouldn’t even say that I myself know what I’m doing most days (um, hello). But I do have lots of stories to tell – all of them swirling around in that big bag of mix, and I have chosen this space in which to share those stories and thoughts. If I were to teleport myself to when I’m 80 years old, and then look back on my life – I’m willing to bet that I would still say it was a mixed bag. A glorious mixed bag, but a mixed bag just the same. And I prefer it that way – my life and also this blog – because I think that’s very much who I am: a little of this and a little of that. I once had someone ask one of my best friends to answer how I might feel about a certain situation, to which my friend replied, “Well that depends… what kind of day is she having? How much coffee has she had? Is she wearing flats or heels? What music has she listened to today?” All of this of course made me laugh and nod in agreement with my friend’s answer because she knew me well enough to know that there are many factors that can make up my feelings about something that might not even have anything to do with said factors 😉 And if you were to ask me how I feel about the exact same thing a week later, my response might be completely different.
I journal a lot, I always have. In fact, I have shelves of journals- some completely full, some only half scribbled in, and others that have yet to be opened. When I was in the 4th grade, I remember having so many thoughts in my head – about everything and anything – and feeling all of those things so strongly that I felt like if I didn’t get them from my head, through my fingers, and onto the paper, the feelings and thoughts wouldn’t be true. And so, I wrote them down. The entries weren’t meant to be shared with anyone, and I rarely read them back after they were written. In fact, it gives me anxiety to even think about going back and reading any of my journals from years ago… because perhaps I was a different person then, or maybe I am exactly the same. Regardless of whether I read them or not though, I keep every single journal… because each entry is a part of my heart.
While the posts that fill this blog could be looked at as my life’s journal – because my heart is most definitely in each and every post that’s shared in this space – I have only ever shared an actual entry from one of my journals on this blog twice (Cleopatra Heals and Canyons.) Today I’ve decided to share another one of my entries, this one from 2013. I believe there is a time for all stories to be shared and when I randomly thought about this particular moment in time earlier this week, I felt like perhaps it was a nudge to share it in this space… that maybe someone else out there is in need of the reminder that even through the storm – God’s promise to us remains.
June 2013 – God’s Promise
Today I witnessed one of the worst storms I’ve ever seen, and I mean this quite literally. I watched it from the other side of the window while I rode the train home from work. It was deafeningly quiet on the train – the kind that makes your ears ring – and I tried not to stare at the big tough-looking man who sat across from me – the fear in his eyes as the train was stopped on the elevated tracks while the wind blew us so hard, no one breathed or moved for fear we’d go right over. In any other circumstances, one might look at the group of us in this particular train car and point out how different we were. Different backgrounds, upbringings, jobs, futures, skin color, languages, likes, dislikes. We all could not have been more different and yet there was an unspoken camaraderie as we all now glanced at each other, seriously wondering if we were about to die.
The storm slowed a bit and the conductor moved us forward, slowly making our way to the station. By the time we pulled in and the doors opened, the heavy downpour had turned into a light mist… and just like that, the storm was through. We all slowly walked off the train and down the stairs, many people helping others down the slippery steps. I couldn’t help but smile – it was like we’d all just beaten some terrible beast and no matter how we might have tried to recap it to our friends later that night, nothing said would’ve done it justice.
As I began my walk home, the sun came out and I noticed a crowd of people in the distance, taking pictures of something. I walked across the street so that I was out from under the trees and I saw it. It was, by far, the most beautiful rainbow I’d ever seen. It was the brightest rainbow I’d ever seen. And it was the first double rainbow I’d ever seen. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I stood there, outside of the coffee shop, with the rest of the people- all of us just quiet as we breathed in the beauty. I loved that no one was saying anything. The silent space wasn’t in need of being filled. I wasn’t sure what anyone else was thinking about in that moment but I felt my heart whisper that this was more than just a beautiful rainbow. It was then that I looked over my shoulder and saw the guy who’d been sitting across from me on the train. He looked at me, smiled, and mouthed the words, “God’s promise.” This tough-looking guy spoke the words my heart had just felt. And he was right. These rainbows were a promise that was made long, long ago and would stand true until the end of time. And I breathed easier as I acknowledged that even the worst of storms can’t keep God’s beauty… His promise… His love, from reaching us. And because we humans often miss it the first time around, He sent a double reminder on this day. God is awesome like that.
When I finally got home, Christian greeted me at the door with a concerned look on his face. And instead of telling him all about the storm, I exclaimed, “Have you seen the sky?! The most beautiful rainbows you’ve ever seen.” Because even after such a harrowing storm, the beauty and promise that followed was all that was worth mentioning.
I have set my rainbows in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.